Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and my heart feels heavier than I expected it to.

For so many years, Mother’s Day was hard because I longed so badly to be a mom. While everyone else celebrated, there was always a quiet ache sitting underneath the surface as we walked through infertility and wondered if that dream would ever become reality.

Then everything changed.

I got to celebrate being pregnant with Austin. Then I got to celebrate actually holding him in my arms and being his mom. After years of waiting and praying, motherhood finally felt tangible and real.

And now this year feels so different again.

I look at Austin and feel overwhelming gratitude for the incredible gift that he is. I’m thankful beyond words that I get to be his mom. I’m thankful I still have my own mom and get to spend time with her too.

But all I can think about is Ethan.

There’s this fresh, aching hole in me that feels impossible to explain unless you’ve lived it. I keep thinking about what this Mother’s Day was supposed to look like with both of my boys.

Instead, this year feels like joy and sorrow sitting side by side.

I think that’s what makes grief so confusing sometimes. You can deeply love what you have and still deeply grieve what you lost.

Part of me wants to celebrate fully, and another part feels so weighed down by missing Ethan that even getting through the day feels hard.

Tomorrow probably won’t look picture perfect for me. I think it may look like tears mixed with smiles. Holding Austin close while aching for Ethan. Feeling thankful and heartbroken all at once.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe love looks like carrying both.